Journal!

Last update: September 15th, 14:08

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Sunday 14th of September 2026

Afternoon, 08:00 - 15:59

Hello, hi! Last update was a little depressing, let's Not do that again! Yesterday was basically spent trying to fix my sleep schedule, I had woken up at 5am and made the decision to try ignoring the urge to nap, at least until 6pm, but that kind of didn't happen, since my dad walked in at 6 and had me go shop instead of my aforementioned nap. Maybe that was for the best though? I managed to sleep from around 7-8 to about 1am, scrolled on my phone for a bit before sending myself back to bed, only to be woken up at 2am by my dad saying mum was asking money, and I was like, "Uh, that's great, you just had me dpend my last £2 on a snickers. But I'll see what I can do, because I Always do," And so I managed to sell an adoptable for 10USD, which immediately went to mum. Something my dad said that stuck with me was "That 10 dollars could have really helped us,", especially because after a night of fitful sleep, I got up and saw three single cigarettes on the counter. Dad had asked mum for the money back and instead of actually using the money to Help us, as mentioned, he got cigarettes. Smart.

After being woken at 2am, I stayed up for a bit and managed to work, which I'm totally counting as mondays one hour of work so I can give myself a sticker. Day doesn't move on until I've slept properly! That's how it works, totally!

My hand hurts quite a bit, I think as well as having an issue with cracking my fingers, I also have a small issue of pressing down too hard with my pencil and it ends up having a lasting pain. Regardless, I think I've managed to be productive thus far. I went to the chemist and picked up my medication, made my bed, brushed my teeth and am waiting for 3pm so I may stream and work. I realise I could start stream earlier if I really wanted to but I'm of the opinion that trying to be consistent is relatively important to build an audience. So now I'm just poking at neocities and wittling down the minutes. I think for stream, I'll focus on drawing a quick adopt, maybe a base, before working on miss lady above. We'll see though!

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Sunday 14th of September 2026

Afternoon, 08:00 - 15:59

You may be thinking, "Hey, where's the morning paragraph," And I will turn to you, grin very sheepishly and say "surely something is better than nothing?", alas! At least it's not as big a gap as my other entries! I hope it shows some level of trying! I've been working on other small things both around the site and in my daily life, for example, I've added a navigation bar so that the right hand column wasn't so cluttered! I like clean sites :D I've also made an info graphic for stream times. It's not exactly what was purposed (what was proposed being the prettying up of a weekly timestable,) but at least it's something!

Another thing to mention is that it's time for week three's reward chart, so here's week two's! Not perfect progress I know, we're also pointedly ignoring the lack of medicine because my lack of it is almost entirely out of my control! There's something to be said about the fact that if I had asked for refills before I had entirely ran out, then I wouldn't of had to forgo medicine entirely, but baby steps!!

I've done a little art too, not as much as I would like, I just want to keep up with posting everyday so that my audience builds! I've set up scheduled posts on Instagram and Twitter using a bunch of my old art so that they can go on for a while, and I'm trying to keep ahead of the art curve by drawing a design and then posting it to Toyhouse the next day. It makes me feel both nervous and better, because on one hand, my self made deadline freaks me out, but on the other I'm glad to be getting things done, it makes me feel like my life has a chance of actually going somewhere!

Evening, 16:00 - 23:59

Wow, managing two entries in one day? Unlike me I know, I just felt kind of miserable and needed somewhere to whine. First my dad comes home around 6pm after not being home for a week, off gallavanting at my mothers while I struggle to afford milk and juice. It felt like a kick in the nuts since the day before I had called him asking when he'd be home because I was worried about going into the emergency electricity. He didn't really care about my worries, nothing new, said it'd be fine and didn't give me a firm date. And when he gets home, he asks for beer, I say I don't have enough, he says he wants a Snickers instead, I tell him he's welcome to my money, but I don't want to go to the shops as I was laying down to sleep when he got in. Shock, horror, he doesn't care and whines at me until I give in.

I then vent about it to my friends, mentioning that my head was killing and that instead of choosing between painkillers or my dad's snickers, I got both and now owed the shopkeeper £0.53, to which my friend replies, "why go therapy if you don’t intend to change the way you approach or think?"

Thats a good question. I had thought I was making progress, I told him as much too, that if dad had asked me the same thing a month ago, I wouldn't have even tried to say no. But now it's cemented deep in my head and it's hard not to start bawling. I wonder why I try, I wonder why I let myself take up resources, I wonder why I let myself take up a therapist's time when they could be helping someone else that's actually worth it. I wonder why I'm so pathetic, I wonder why I can't do anything, I wonder why I'm good for nothing. Why try at all? Will I ever get better? Will I always be who I am now? I want to get better, I do. But nobody around me can see that I'm trying and if a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, did it fall at all? I'm just wasting everyone's time.

In other news, here's an adoptable I finished lol.

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Sunday 13th of September 2026

Morning, 00:01 - 07:59

It's currently 4am and I haven't updated in a while! I'm not phenomenal at keeping a diary, wether it be physical or digital, but I figure that something written is better than nothing written! It's easy to remind myself that 50% is better than 0% but sometimes it's hard to put that into action, especially when I'm feeling tired or etc. As per my therapist's notes, I'm trying to keep in mind that I can't let my emotions dictate my schedule and life.

I've ran out of medicine so I've been unable to mark it off on my silly little reward chart, but the added side effect of a silly rewards chart is that I was able to ask for more medicine faster than I usually might! That being said, I should really contact my GP anyway because I'm not sure my antidepressants are doing much for me and I seem to be having some issues with my dominant hand hurting all the time...

At the very least, I've been drawing a little more! I'll dump my art in a collapsible so anyone viewing can have a little looksee, if they so wish :3

In other news, the latest update for FFXIV recently came out and I've been having fun poking around the new content! I also did the newest Story Quests and got a very delightful picture of my sweetpea, Happy.

Warrior of light that's saved the world a bazillion times over btw. Hes so my cutie ever though. I've been working on the new job that got introduced, Beast master, it's something I'm really excited for because Beast Master is a job in FFXI, FFXIV's MMO predecessor, which my dad has been playing longer than I've been alive and his favourite job is beast master! So I was I'm very excited to show it some love now! And I got some cute little Happy smiles from the cutscenes too. Not to mention, unlocking the job comes with many achievements! And I loooove collecting achievements!

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Saturday. 5th of September, 2026

Morning, 00:01 - 07:59

Whoops, guess who's up at 6am, playing with Neocities? Me! I got a little carried away but it was mainly because my mother tasked me with buying her alchohol around 1am via uber eats, the shop put my name on someone elses order so we got the wrong thing and mum was yelling down my ear and really frustrating me as i tried to contact uber help. I reordered the alcohol after trying to reach the help and she calmed down but it just shouldn't have happened !! No one should like alcohol that much! but im chilling now, fixing my CSS and prettying up my code, there are still a few tweaks i need to make, like the colour that appears when hovering over a button, but all in all i feel pleased with the site thus far! I should go try to sleep now ehe,,,

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September 4th, Friday, 2026

Morning, 00:01 - 07:59

I believe I was up until about 6am, when my mother decided to waltz in, likely drunk, and my parents have been arguing since, but I managed to get some sleep regardless, maybe 6am to 1pm. Found a song I liked and it inspired me to do some personal art of an OC!

Noon, 08:00 - 15:59

went about eating breakfast and whatnot in a daze, feeling sleepy, annoyed by the constant rumbling of an argument.

Evening, 16:00 - 00:00

I was supposed to stream today, as proposed in the schedule made by myself and my therapist but the atmosphere in the house felt like one that would very much not benefit a stream so I didn't. Instead I'm hanging out with friends and I worked a little on commissions!

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Friday. 28th of August, 2026

Morning, 00:01 - 07:59

I had some difficulties getting to sleep, I felt tired at midnight, but stayed up a bit to mess with my neocities. then i tried to sleep at 00:40 but couldn't !! So took some medicine (Promethazine Hydrochloride, apparently melatonin is a big nono to perscribe in the UK .3.) that didn't seem to help! So I got to sleep around 2am? And slept til 1pm, at least it was better than not at all!

Noon, 08:00 - 15:59

I'm not entirely sure that this medicine is for me/having it's intended effect! I was only awake an hour or two before I felt superduper exhausted and went back to bed for a while!

Evening, 16:00 - 00:00

Woke up at 19:00 but just kind of lazed about in bed for a while until I felt hungry enough to make myself something to eat (Chips and chicken nuggets lol), but now I'm feeling all tired again and I'm kind of disappointed in myself for it because I have work to do! Work that I have already been paid for!

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Thursday, 27th of August, 2026

I have trouble recalling things, and as such, something I am trying to put into practice, as coined by my therapist, is a mood diary for morning, afternoon and evening. For a while, I felt overwhelmed by the concept of defining morning, afternoon and evening and knowing when to write. I managed to somewhat solve this by simply dividing the day into thirds!

Morning, 00:01 - 07:59

Sleeping ehe!

Noon, 08:00 - 15:59

I awoke at 13:00, I should have gotten up earlier, ideally, but sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles! I had therapy with my therapist (duh) at 13:30, and ended up rushing myself a little, which, again, was because I should have gotten up earlier. We had a good conversation, in my opinion. We touched on the STOP and TIPP techniques because I had mentioned struggling with dealing with my anger in a proper manner, not to mention these things are to help with my anxiety. I won't go into full detail here, but I've provided links in those words so you can check them out yourself if you're curious!

Evening, 16:00 - 00:00

I can't quite recall if this was actually in the evening, but I started off the said evening feeling a bit frustrated. My friends and I were supposed to do some raids in FFXIV, but one friend got up and when we filled, he left, stating that he was worried about keeping up- then he came back before anyone took his place so it was a moot point, AND we had to find another DPS too > was upset about it and it's hard for me to not think she's upset with me sometimes, so I had to ask her in DMs :( Then went away and it was just and I! Which is fine, I like and we had fun! At some point though, I had to have a discussion with and she told me she felt like I only wanted to do EXs and no other content with her :( I was sad I made her feel that way! She's my best friend and I'd never do that on purpose! So we resolved it but discussions like that still take a fair amount out of me... AND THEN (because that whole conversation happened in text), sometime after had went, told me she would be back soon. I waited, ordered some food, and we accidentally messed each other about time wise and it was a little frustrating! But we did eventually play and now I'm writing this, prepping for bed!

Goodnight, Neocities! Thank you for listening!

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